THE DEPARTMENT OF CONTEMPORARY LITERATURE!
EXCERPTS FROM THE BOOK PART 2 - a small selection of original limericks from
The Oxbridge Limerick Book
Keble College, Oxford
With his girlfriend a young don from Keble
Said, ‘I’m sorry my erection’s so feeble
It was alright last night
When I turned out the light
And snuggled up with my pet beagle’
An original limerick of mine. ‘Keble’ is of course pronounced with a long ‘e’ and is therefore the perfect rhyme for ‘feeble’ (and not ‘pebble’). Keble College was established in 1870 and I have genuinely heard one Oxford professor describe it, apparently without his tongue in his cheek, as ‘one of our newer colleges’. The college was named in honour of the English churchman and poet John Keble (who may well be spinning in grave as we speak) and not in honour of the drummer with Spandau Ballet of the same name.
Kellogg College, Oxford
Announced the President of Kellogg
To his staff, ‘I’ve just been to the bog
My bad mood’s abated
Now I’ve defecated
You should have seen the size of that log’
Different Oxford colleges have different titles to refer to the head of the college. Balliol and St. Cross, for example, have a Master. All Souls and Keble have a Warden. Brasenose and Hertford have a Principal. Kellogg has a President - hence the reference to one in the first line of the above.
An original limerick of mine.
Lady Margaret Hall, Oxford
A graffitist from Lady M. Hall
Whose planning was good for f**k all
Found he only got to
‘Michael Gove’s a C-U-.’
Before he ran right out of wall
Another original limerick of mine, although based in part on the following traditional/anonymous classic limerick, which dates back to the 1870s and is, in my view, easily the best of many limericks rhyming on ‘Calcutta’:
There was a young man of Calcutta
Tried to write a rude word on a shutter
He had got to ‘C-U-’
When a pious Hindu
Knocked him arse over tit in the gutter
Christ's College, Cambridge
‘I know’ said the Master of Christ’s
‘That our love life is lacking in spice
But, please no, my dear
Don’t stick up my rear
That hamster, the gerbil, or mice’
The practice of inserting a live rodent up one’s rectum, or a partner’s rectum, for sexual gratification is hopefully one that, for the sake of rodent-kind, has little or no reflection in reality. It is now widely accepted that the story of the actor, Richard Gere, reporting to an emergency room in a Los Angeles hospital a number of years ago to have a gerbil removed from his back passage is entirely apocryphal, the stuff of urban myth only. Nevertheless, the practice has acquired a name, ‘gerbilling’, which the reader may or may not wish to Google, and is occasionally referenced in popular culture. A clip went, as they say, viral in 2015 of a contestant on Family Feud (the US equivalent of the TV show better known to British viewers as Family Fortunes) answering ‘gerbil’ to the question ‘Name something a doctor might pull out of someone’, which provoked acute embarrassment from the contestant, stunned silence from the host and laughter and applause from the audience.
Worcester College, Oxford
In a sex shop the Provost of Worcester
Worked up all the nerve he could muster:
‘I’ve bought this sex doll back
For mine she’s too slack
Is there any chance you could adjust ’er?’
And a final original limerick from me to end this collection - and this might be a good time to reiterate one last time the disclaimer from the introduction that any resemble to persons living or dead in these limericks is purely coincidental. Therefore, for example, the above limerick must not be taken to imply that the present Provost of Worcester is ever inclined to aitch-dropping - he would, I’m sure, say ‘adjust her’ and never ‘adjust ’er’.
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